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Randy Wilson

Author/Contributor
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  • Club/Course/Company
    TurfNet Media Network / Rockbottum Country Club
  • Location
    Rabun County, GA

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  1. Steve, we've tried to get her to quit that . . . and the MMA, too, but when you get a good marshal, tolerance is key.
  2. Check out our Top 3 Skeletal Golf Tips of the Year! #1: Dustin Riley of Oconomowoc Golf Club in Wisconsin, is this year’s big winner. Dustin wins the Rockbottum “Iron Skillet”* for his amazing tip on reframing tees to fit your spray rig. (See TurfNet Forum) Instead of just topdressing heavy or capping and leveling a tee designed and built by somebody with no GCS experience, Dustin explains how to reframe the tee to the specs needed to match your spray rig. This is brilliant SGT thinking and saves time, money and product. As many tees as I rebuilt over the years--especially par 3’s and narrow 4’s--I could kick myself for not figuring this one out. Great job, Dustin! *NOTE: The Iron Skillet Trophy will arrive by June and has never been used for cooking. (There might be some residual skull fragments, however.) #2: Are you one of those superintendents who cannot afford to be an Imperial? Does your club have an accountant who waves his line-item veto flag every October? If you are like me and never managed to work for a club willing to pay association dues—local or Imperial—don’t despair . . . SGT has the answer: Just join TurfNet. TurfNet is very affordable, has the top job listing and used equipment sources, as well as the best Forum on the golf planet. (See Dustin’s tip above) TurfNet requires no travel and best of all, if you simply must have letters behind your name, the TurfNet package also includes Mystic Order of Greenkeeper* membership. NOTE: *MOG is a typical secret society, so expect restrictions if your job currently pays for you and your spousal unit to attend The Open. #3: Coming in last is our favorite all time golf course problem solver, "Aint Feemy". Watch this short film and learn how to effectively speed up play. This will lead to fewer disgruntled golfers and possibly explain how to gruntle your golfers.
  3. Thanks, Steve . . . and when I said go for a walk in the woods, I forgot about what lives in the woods down yonder where you operate. Maybe just stay on the sidewalk.
  4. In this short film from our "Boots & Ruck" division, we explain how you can take a mental break by practicing "Forest Bathing". *Note: If you absolutely cannot remain clothed to Forest Bathe, we suggest you at least keep your boots on.
  5. "they are not where I am." Terrific line.
  6. Steve, Buddy says I have more stitches than Frankenstein's boy.
  7. Buddy discovers an actual use for Twitter.
  8. You are correct, KR. It's one of those shockingly beautiful mountain courses, like the kind you ran. Couldn't shoot at the Rock last week because it was hay mowing time.
  9. It's Halloween. Time for another terrifying fairie tale to emerge from the deep, dark hollows of Rockbottum CC. Or is it a fairie tale?
  10. Thank you, Steve. I guess I should raise our bar a little--but I just can't.
  11. In this episode of Rockbottum Radio, RW seeks to avoid offensive discourse by installing a special Podcast Offensive Warning Device (POWD), which emits a BS alert when anything potentially offensive is emitted. The screen-free gang at Rockbottum CC receives the worst-ever Social Credit Score, forcing Momma to retain a Social Engineering Expert -- Horton Pantslow -- to bring Rockbottum CC into the modern era. A mandatory staff meeting after lunch ensues. The first lesson of Horton's seminar focused on working smarter not harder, raising the bar and seeing the course with new eyes while taking the course to the next level and doing more with less. The Rockbottum SCS is pushed into negative territory as a result. The meeting winds up with a serious discussion about Growing the Game and Global Worming...
  12. Now that the US Government has admitted UFOs are real, (See The Youtube, F-18 gun camera) I feel safe in pursuing the link between UFOs and golf. The photo below, taken two years ago on a golf course in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, by Rockbottum Dave, is unretouched. Dave was doing his Irrigation Tech thing, when he accidentally captured a shot of a UFO. (Is it “a” UFO or “an” UFO?) We featured this photo in a short film, but viewers assumed it was just more of our filmic trickery and ignored it. This time I want to be clear. UFOs ARE SOMEHOW LINKED TO GOLF COURSES. My astute scientific contention is that UFOs utilize golf courses for several reasons, the first being that in urban areas, golf courses are the last open spaces. They require such areas for discreet landing zones. This allows for easy abduction of humans to probe, specifically Night Watermen. Think about it. When was the last time you saw a Night Waterman? Why do you suppose the irrigation industry abandoned the more reliable and cost effective manual quick coupler systems for the outrageously complex and expensive automatic irrigation? Because all the Night Watermen vanished. The second factor is one of those “Unintended Consequences” that plague modern society. By constructing miles of buried #14ga. copper wire in strange geometric patterns—like those giant diagrams in South America only recognizable from high altitude—we accidentally built giant UFO antennas. These devices probably emit electromagnetic fields similar to the space alien’s landing zones back on Tralfamadore. As for my ownself, I have never seen a UFO. You’d think I would have seen one by now, given all the time I spent outside at night. Some have suggested I might have encountered an alien spacecraft and my mind was subsequently erased like a glitchy VHS tape. It’s certainly possible, because somebody erased the entire year following my high school graduation. I suspect that happened to at least a few of you, too. I have known a few people who saw a UFO. A famous golf course architect saw a UFO descend into a lake one night, when he was a teenager. (The Sixties, so . . . ) Then there was Riley, our mechanic back in 1970, who insisted he was abducted by space aliens. *NOTE: Riley is the fellow who provided me with Ludell’s voice and accent, but not the hair or mustache. (That came from Ken Mangum, circa 1974.) Riley was out drinking on the course late one night, when several balls of fire fell from the sky. He woke up the next morning in the bed of his truck, with his pants on backwards. I theorize he made up the part about the space aliens just to keep from getting fired, since his description of space aliens sounded a lot like Ray Walston, of My Favorite Martian. I thought I was being abducted once. I was night watering, racing my four-wheeler—with no lights*—across the golf course, trying to get to a drain valve before the system went Fukashima, when suddenly, a beam of light surrounded me. Normally, I considered myself invisible, but this was a spotlight attached to a police helo, apparently with thermo-infrared vision. I surmise they had a big laugh and then flew away, looking for another golf course. *In those days, it was standard procedure to run dark to avoid being robbed, not so much to avoid being probed by space aliens. I have excluded golfers from my sample group, as they have interesting UFO stories, but, well, they're golfers. (The constant fermented grain marination affects credibility.) If you would like to contribute to our research, email me at this secure email: Your name will be kept secret unless you insist otherwise. I would really like to know if anyone in TurfNet Land has ever seen a golf course UFO and to further motivate you, we’re offering prizes for the best golf course UFO tales! Third Prize is the last remaining copy of The Greens of Wrath, signed of course. NOTE: Brad Klein’s recent twitter comment that GOW reminded him of Jack Kerouac with a soundtrack by Commander Cody and the Lost Planet Airmen has effectively ended my writing career. Second Prize: Momma’s famed frying pan, autographed, with a dent that matches Buddy’s skull and First Prize will be a starring role in an upcoming Rockbottum Film. Don’t worry about revealing your identity. We can disguise you as Buddy.
  13. Steve, Overly observant folks like you make my job difficult.
  14. Brian Nettz, the Grand Poohbah of The Mystic Order of Greenkeepers, West Coast Division, ordered us to help with the latest Goose Situation.
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