Here at the Rock, our long awaited VFCO (Vegan-Frootarian-Carnivorian-Omnivorsk) research findings are finally ready for publication. A little less than one year ago, our team of Rockbottum scientists set out to solve one of the most serious problems facing the modern GCS:
What to eat?
In any high-stress occupation, food plays an important role in long-term health, career adaptability and survival odds in the midst of an onslaught of Darwinian selection trials. Poor food choices plague the American workforce and the GCS is not immune, given the long hours during golf season, the quick meal syndrome and modern processed food.
We studied nutrition films like, “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” where the subject went on a 60 day fruit and vegetable juice diet, in order to free himself of fat, medications and that terrible feeling that follows eating something nasty.
Our initial findings revealed that the juice diet worked, in much the same way that a radical workout regimen like P90X works–effective as a jumpstart method, but not well suited to a long-term daily lifestyle.
Next on our list was “Forks Over Knives”, a medical research look into the benefits of veganism. We grew our own vegetables and continued our workout routine of weight training, bike racing, trail running, backpacking and 15 minutes daily in the heavy bag room at the gym.
The first indication something might be wrong came to light when I found myself in a large department store, attempting to buy a purse to match my shoes.
This was probably due to using pink plastic dumbbells, wearing glitter spandex capris and prancing around in exercise class like a Kansas City–and my heavy bag workouts had deteriorated, too.
Instead of pounding the heavy bag with overhand rights, hooks and combination flurries, I dissolved into weepy crying fits and prolonged emotional arguments with the everlast bag about our relationship. The last straw, the real eye-opener, occurred when I was bullied by a cruel aerobics instructor who ridiculed my outfit for color mismatch . . . in front of the entire class . . . like hers was so perfect.
I slunk out of there, borrowed Ludell’s deer hunting overalls and headed for the butcher shop. I bought an entire beef tenderloin, some charcoal and enough lighter fluid to start the grill and set fire to my Zumba costumes.
I was unable to wait for the meat to thoroughly cook. While biting off chunks of sizzling red meat, I began to howl and pound my chest. Hogan the golf dog joined in and soon we were both shoving filet mignon down our necks, growling and snapping at one another with blood dripping off our chins.
I stripped down to a loincloth, jumped up on the railing and went all Tarzan; the cops came, but I offered them some tenderloin and they howled and one of them let me fire her gun and everybody had a great time. We fantasized about chasing a zebra, breaking his neck and taking a bite out of his striped haunches and another cop showed up with some buffalo steaks and we ate those and then took a long nap.
When I got up, I returned to the gym, beat the daylights out of the heavy bag, barked like a dog, did 10 sets of power cleans and ripped bicep poses through the glass at the Zumbas.
Here’s what I learned. First, don’t tease the big girls, they are surprisingly quick. Next, without meat, my athletic performance went downhill in every area, no matter how much powdered soy protein I ingested. My sugar intake went up progressively, in order to fuel the energy requirements of training. My carb intake went way up without meat.
The good part: I learned that milk made me fat. Milk also made me feel puffy, too full, clouded up the urine samples and had more impact on my blood pressure than meat. I’ve gone a year without milk, except for the rare cream in coffee, and I’ve decided the entire experiment, even the purse incident, was worth it to learn that I don’t need milk and it just isn’t good for me.
I got rid of all dairy, milk, cheese, ice cream, late night cereal and even yoghurt and replaced it with almond milk. I feel much better now, so my findings summary will probably indicate milk is really good at growing big cows out of baby cows, but not that great for human adults.
Fresh fruits and vegetables have an amazing effect. Old-fashioned oatmeal–without milk or sugar, sweetened only with dried cranberries–is the best breakfast ever, but some of the other grains have an allergic feel to them when used in excess.
Overall Rockbottum findings: We feel better than ever, even with reduced workouts. We’re not hungry as we don’t restrict the amount we eat, just the nasty foods that make us feel bad. We drink water instead of tea or soda, eat fruit instead of dessert several days a week and try to avoid processed foods by growing our own vegetables. When we can’t, we hit the produce stands.
In the video that follows, Ludell offers vegetarian cooking and weight loss tips.