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When I Just Can’t Help Myself

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It didn’t take long. I figured it was going to happen within a couple days, but indeed it was really just a couple hours.

And as a human monkey (and a turfhead to boot), I’m prone to mistakes and even, yes… failure. So when a young (and amazing) superintendent whom I did some soil tests for early in the year wrote me an email today it made for a really good moment of introspective guilt. I don’t want to violate the confidence of personal email communication, but I think he might not mind if I post a couple of sentences.

“I found your comments interesting and it must be very disconcerting to not have clients or people you’ve spent time helping return calls or emails.  I have had the same general experience in my dealings with you this spring and summer.”

Ouch. And I quickly responded with my admission of guilt and my utter cluelessness that I had somehow missed the boat with this particular super. In my mind, I had given someone I perceived to be a good thinker some space to think. And if I missed a call or an email, I honestly can’t remember. That’s really no excuse. And all I can do is offer to make it better.

In my mind, I had given someone I perceived to be a good thinker some space to think…

I knew, when I wrote my previous Zealot post, that I was sticking my neck out. I also knew that a lot of people who know me might be trying to figure out which one of the A, B or C  Supers that they are. And for sure, I never would want to write something like that to be spiteful. After all, Turfheads, above many other forms of life, have the ability to choose. And I respect that. Very much.

Along those same lines, I don’t think that anyone, in any part of any business really should have a sense of entitlement when it comes to respect. Respect is earned and it is a fire that must have fuel added to it by virtue of doing the right thing. So saying to a client, “I do and I do and I do for you and this is all I get”, probably is a way right out of having clients.

I don’t think that anyone, in any part of any business really should have a sense of entitlement when it comes to respect. Respect is earned and it is a fire that must have fuel added to it by virtue of doing the right thing…

Looking inside (way inside), whether I want to believe it or not, I’ve dropped the ball. A bunch. I have this habit of getting my head down, thundering away and keeping all the squeaky wheels oiled.  No matter how hard I work, or think I am working, now and then and sometimes more often, something gets by me. Never happens to you? Please. Sure, I could blame, my ADHD or my other multiple ailments, but in the end, good pitches sometimes get by me.

The email that I got today made me look inside and that’s good. And then I took a look at my rantings for yesterday and it made me understand that maybe I didn’t have the real story or (shudder) know everything.

In the case of Superintendent A, perhaps I did all I could do and that my work was appreciated. I’d like to hear that, but maybe I should trust that his net value is indeed figuring it all out.

Superintendent B may actually like me. And maybe what I should be doing is not really listening or even participating in the gossip.

Superintendent C, indeed has the right to seek out answers and again, it would do me well to remember that a friend is way more important than a client.

I also had to look at why all the angst and upset. Clearly things had been getting to me. And for me it comes from the fact that every day I get up and I want to help. I want to be a part of things. I want to be involved. It’s in my DNA. But I also had to look at the fact that I perhaps had let some opportunities to help slip by. I hope that by being vulnerable to put this out here, you might see the same. And I’m sure I might hear from some others saying “are you kidding… what about you?” or “were you talking about me?” I ‘m honored and thankful for anyone who would care enough to write.

My email reminder today definitely helped me see that maybe I might spend some time looking at what I have and maybe less about what I have not.


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