What follows is a classic tale of Cosmic Payback, visited upon the truly deserving. Because my readers are highly educated, I am using the term, Cosmic Payback. If I was writing for golfers, I would use the easier to understand, "Fudgie will get you."
Our story begins with a golfer who was mysteriously inflicted with a demonic obsession to bedevil Winston, a Golf Course Superintendent.
Winston is one of the great ones, a hard working, drive-on kind of fellow achieving legendary status in golf, but somehow . . . he ran afoul of a "golfer".
The "golfer" was not the common garden variety whiner or a 23 handicapper educated by the internet in all aspects of golf, but the worst possible bedeviler of Golf Course Superintendents: The Best Good Player in the club, or BGP. (See your Mystic Order of Greenkeepers handbook for details.)
The BGP often acquires deity status through low scores, which magically imbues the player with a supernatural grasp of agronomy, course setup, architecture and even which piece of turf equipment is either vital or totally unnecessary.
. . . delivered a fiery and emotional Elmer Gantry golf sermon . . .
When the BGP speaks, lesser humans are compelled to listen, awestruck, in submissive respect.
The BGP in our story--clearly infected with A.N. Syndrome and unaware of the existence of Fudgie--delivered a fiery and emotional Elmer Gantry golf sermon in the parking lot, from the hood of his 1975 Datsun B-210. "Friends . . . I come to you today, having just experienced the saintly Greener Pastures Social Country Club, where their fairways are perfect and pure in heart, while ours . . . ours are thin and of an ordinary green color."
During the Inquisition that followed, Winston calmly testified, "Greener Pastures Social spent a million dollars on a new turf. It's unfair to compare their fairways to our 419. Also, we didn't spend a million dollars."
BGP countered with putting surface comparison, a favorite strategy among GCS bedevilers intent on GCS impeachment. "Greener Pastures Social has heavenly greens! And isn't it true, Winston, that they have the same Ultra-Dwarf that we do? And isn't it true that we have algae spots on the practice green? Remember, you're under oath!"
Winston wanted to say, "Instead of taking advantage of our nearly free monthly rates, perhaps you should just pay Greener Pastures Social the billion dollars initiation fee and take your contagious negative energy over there."
But he didn't say that.
Instead, Winston said, "Yes, it is true we have the same UD, but when they converted, they had six months of grow-in before they allowed play. We had only 20% of that time to open and combined with the coldest winter since '77, the wettest spring in my memory and very little sunlight, we are doing pretty well."
Not discouraged in the least, BGP waited for the right moment to strike again. During a club event, he pounced upon what he perceived to be Winston's worst mistake ever: A cup placement not moved far enough from the previous spot!
(Never mind the spot had been anointed for use by the tournament setup committee and selected due to their awareness of the effect excessive tournament speed has on greens with lots of architectural movement.)
Grabbing his camera, BGP raced to gather evidence before the wily Winston could contaminate the crime scene; while shooting forensic photos, BGP loudly proclaimed Winston and his crew to be "worthless, lazy bastards".
At that point, Fudgie intervened and a golf ball cold-cocked BGP in the head.
There was lots of blood and screaming. Most of the screaming was from other competitors demanding a quick ruling, as the unconscious body was obstructing a birdie putt.
The moral of the story? If you are a bedeviled GCS, just be patient, for Fudgie and the Cosmic Payback are out there somewhere, waiting to make things right.
Make no mistake, Fudgie will get you.