From the archives of Superintendent News, April '03:  A collection of worker's excuses worth remembering.

I have fond memories of life as a GCS; working outside, playing golf, free turf advice from almost everyone and a nearly endless list of incredibly inventive worker's excuses.

TARDINESS

"Sorry I'm late, Boss, but when I got home at dawn this morning, my wife started shooting at me with her .45 and--hear that?  See, I ain't lying, here she comes now."

"Not my fault I'm late.  Al made me smoke an ounce of cocaine."

ABSENTEEISM

"I can't work today, my Momma ran off with my girlfriend."

"My wife has cramps today, I won't be in."

"I have cramps today.  I can't come in."

"I'm too tired to work today, I was up all night running from the police helicopter.  Hey, did you see me?  I was on Channel 2."

"I hit a deer on the way to work and when I was moving the dead body out of the way, it came back to life and chased me and I lost my keys."  (Actually uttered by a future GCS)

POOR JUDGEMENT

"Yeah, I sprayed the greens in the dark . . . what could go wrong?"  (Future famous CGCS with great hair)

"Well, this deer got run over by a truck and was flopping around on #8 tee and this foursome of old ladies was screaming for me to do something, so I took a bush axe and chopped off his head and the reason I ran off was all the crying got to me.  No, not the old ladies, the pro."

"I just wanted to see what mowing tees naked would be like."

"Well, the reason I hit Little Larry with a shovel was on account of I had a quart jar of moonshine for lunch."

"I'm sorry, I thought it would fall away from the green."  (Inventor of Deep Pine Aerifyin')

EQUIPMENT DAMAGE

"The missing golf cart?  I might know where it is, but I'll need a chain . . . and a backhoe."  (Another future GCS)

"Your truck?  Oh, it's just stuck . . . in the top of some pine trees . . . off the levee.  About 20 feet off the ground, but don't worry, it's okay."  (Future hair stylist)

MISCELLANEOUS

"No, sir, I absolutely did not take the Cushman across the interstate to the Waffle House.  Breakfast?  Oh, I had hash browns, a waffle, two eggs . . . "

"I'll been in as soon as they release me.  Can't say when, cause there aren't any real doctors here, all the patients take turns being the doctor and they won't let me have my turn--and they put me in room 666."

RESIGNATIONS

"I quit.  I'm tired of changing cups after somebody has excremented in it."

"I quit cause when I cut that 110v wire while I was knee deep in water in that irrigation hole, I saw the white light and it told me don't never work on a golf course again.  But my wife disagrees with the white light, so here I am."

"I'm quitting Night Waterman because there's a red-eyed howling monster out on #14 and nobody believes me and I want a nice safe job where I don't have to go out on the course at night and I don't have to do nothing!"  (Future golf pro)

CONFESSIONS OBTAINED UNDER DURESS

"Okay, I did rob the entire crew, but I needed extra money for my, uh . . . special medication . . . and they understand.  You're not gonna tell on me, are you?"  (Future mass murderer)

"Yes, yes I guilty! I leak hydraulic fluid all over green!  Now will you hirrbirrie barbarians unlock tool room and let me out?"  (Future tour caddie for Larry Nelson)

"Look, if you remove the electrodes and turn off the power, I promise never to use the word 'Empire' in an article again!"  (I didn't say anything about videos, however)