It’s almost time to crank big mowers, defibrillate the pump station
and check the lawn furniture: The tee bench, the 150 yard barber pole,
(the g-rated name) and that most essential of all golfer toys, the ball washer.
The ball washer must enter the season perfect and shiny.
The ball washer WILL function with smooth precision, whether it is the crank-wheel design that allows the operator to make engine starting noises–or the favorite among those of us with delayed maturity issues, the VPM or Vertical Plunger Model.
The VPM, when operated vigorously by a class clown type, always manages to trigger adolescent giggles–or a catatonic state when the device is utilized by the non-male gender.
The ball washer must smell good and it should also wash balls.
Sensible golf course superintendents will typically refurbish the existing ball washer by a process of sandblasting, painting and replacing key parts to avoid mid-season malfunctions. The overhaul is completed by covering the mounting pole with Vinyl Guard in a soothing color. A highly dependable crew member is then assigned to service the device throughout the entire playing season; this helps avoid lawsuits from golfers that shot 95 after having encountered a putrid aroma near the ball washer on #4 tee. (The one that gets missed when the crew is racing to beat the fourth SSS of the month. (Surprise Shotgun Start)
The Top 5 Ball Washer Strategies
1. Refurbish, as mentioned above.
2. Remove most of the ball washers from the course, placing the best units left alive on #1 tee and #10 tee. This gives the first tee golfer something to do while waiting for the glacial group in front to complete the Pre-Shot Routines that add 20 minutes to each hole. The group making the turn will have the additional humor that accompanies hot dogs/buns, VPMs and ED accusations.
3. Tell the golfer to attach a towel to the golf bag. Then remove every ball washer on the course and sell them.
4. Implement a more advanced system, like the one I employed during my Lake Raiding Ball Hawk phase, where I converted an old wringer washing machine to a high volume ball washer. I lined the tub with shag carpet, tossed in hand soap liberated from the men’s locker room, 200 disfigured lake balls, four cups of bleach and ten gallons of murky water. Not only did the tub washer produce shiny white balls, it made a pleasantly rhythmic sound, not unlike the feet of hundreds of infantry soldiers marching into the distance.
5. Study the following research video that reveals a method for achieving 100% golfer satisfaction with ball washers. (Do not install a VPM on the spinning 150 yard barber pole)