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Post Masters Syndrome

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Randy Wilson

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doctor-150x150.jpgHow to diagnose, treat and possibly cure the most dangerous early season golf disorder.

 

Diagnosis:  The initial outbreak of Post Masters Syndrome typically begins within minutes of final round completion.

 

whiners-150x150.jpg First indications usually involve golfers of several levelsfrom muni to mid-level country clubverbalizing in pitiful, whiny voices, Why cant we do that?

 

Tests for azalea poisoning and overseed overdose will normally read very high on the scale; additionally, the golfer/members listening ability and comprehension is severely impeded.

 

It is important for the GCS to avoid becoming frustrated, as logical reasoning with the patient will have little or no effect at this early point.

 

lush-green-grass-150x150.jpgThe golfer/member with 12 or more hours of video exposure to HD ANGC will be completely unresponsive to explanations as to canopy effect of overseed upon base turf; furthermore, attempting to differentiate seed rates and thickness levels required to attain ANGC levels as opposed to normal, non-supernatural overseed coverage will not convince the golfer, but merely send him into the catatonic state known as Golfer EGO.  (Eyes Glazed Over)

 

The golfer recently exposed to actual physical contact with ANGC should just be considered unreachable and treated as if he has ingested hallucinogenics while repeatedly watching Avatar.

 

His fantasy world tolerance has been significantly lowered, in much the same way as the individual arrested for public intoxication is somehow convinced that belting out Queens entire Bohemian Rhapsody in the back seat of a patrol car will win his freedom.

 

azaleas-150x150.jpgGolfers recently returned from Eastern Georgia in Apriland firmly in the grip of Azalea Poisoningwill never grasp things like the three-week bloom cycle of azaleas are not worth the year-round maintenance costs involved to counter the plants bio-magnetic ability to attract and hold leaves, plastic sacks, mylar balloons and golf balls for periods ranging up to 10,000 years.  (The only plant more endowed with higher levels of bio-magnetism and favored by golf landscape designers is the horrid Ugly Agnes.)

 

Treatment?  In the past, we just waited a week for the infection to run its course and then revealed the cost difference between ANGCs standard of maintenance and ours.  When that number is converted into dues increase ratios and the golfer begins to understand that the first number is just for a few weeks . . . well, then the golfer improves.  He isnt cured, mind you, but he improves and the Why cant we do that? outbursts lessen in number and severity.

 

Is there a Cure in the near future?  Possibly, as evidenced by the following video piece, we are mere months from a breakthrough in ridding golf of Post Masters Syndrome . . . forever.

 

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