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Un-PC Stuff Ludell Says


Randy Wilson

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At Rockbottum CC, we are forced to endlessly crank out short films and columns where we say stuff we aren't supposed to say and try to hide it in comedy, sarcasm and brilliant intellectual wittiness.  (One out of three.)

 

It would be a lot easier if the average TurfNettian was aware of how difficult this job is... sort of like your job would be easier if the members knew what was involved.  We don't simply crank out a column or shoot a quick video and spend the rest of the week at the yacht club.  Sometimes we shoot four films and round-file all of them.  It can take ten columns to produce just one TurfNet Rockbottum Philosophical Edict.

 

This last month has been very difficult -- due to trying to comply with all the new PC guidelines issued by Huffington Post -- so instead of a film or column, we decided to show you a transcript from a recent interview given by Ludell to a female reporter from a trade magazine.

 

Q:  Ludell, why did you choose golf as a career?

Ludell:  Didn't have no choice, it was walk-mow or no biscuits.

 

Q:  Tell us about the real Ludell.

Ludell:  Lady, I ain't real.  I'm a character based on a crew worker Randy knew in 1970.

 

Q:  Interesting . . . did the original Ludell have a mustache and a shag haircut?

Ludell:  Naw, my look comes from Ken Mangum.  Ain't you never seen pictures of Ken from '72? 

 

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Q:  Okay, let's try a different tact.  In ads for a GCS, what do they mean by "working supt"?  Are there jobs where the supt doesn't work?

Ludell:  Nope.  That's just code for don't apply unless you a genius supt who doesn't mind doing all the work since the crew consists of the club president's spoiled sons.

 

Q:  When a green committee says they want a master plan, what does that mean?

Ludell:  Means they want a blueprint that says plant a whole bunch of trees and flowers and squeeze blood from a rock and mow it at .085.

 

Q:  Is it true that a low number can mean a high PH?

Ludell:  What?

 

Q:  Do you roll your greens?

Ludell:  Not any more, cause them vapor... uh, never mind.

 

Q:  Recently a famous Ph.D said your so-called "organic" practices were tantamount to snake oil.  

Ludell:  I swear, ever time I try inexpensive alternatives or old-fashioned golf ways, one of them ivory towel fellers commences purse-swingin' at me.  One told me salt and vinegar is more deadly than whatever chemical substance is payin' his rent.

 

"I swear, ever time I try inexpensive alternatives or old-fashioned golf ways, one of them ivory towel fellers commences purse-swingin' at me..."

 

Q:  Ludell, please sit down.

Ludell:  I tell you one thing, little missy, I ain't afraid to put vinegar and salt on my salad, but I bet he won't put whatever it is on his cornflakes.

 

Q:  That same professor said you interrupted an important class to run outside and see yourself on Google satellite.  Is that true?

Ludell:  Yeah, but I've since learned how it works.  You have to wear bright colors.

 

Q:  Is it true you are twitterless?

Ludell:  Listen, you cain't believe nuthin' my ex-wife says.

 

Q:  I was referring to social media.

Ludell:  Gettin' a mite personal, ain'cha?  Let's just skip the medical stuff.

 

Q:  Okay... how about your favorite TV shows?

Ludell:  Well, I hate The Stimpsons -- just the name puts me on edge -- but I like House of Cards.  It's just like a green committee meeting, except folks is always getting done away with. Kind of a fantasy show for me.

 

*The interview ends abruptly here, when Ludell realized the reporter was actually a male writer from a TurfNet competitor.  Disguised in a wig and short skirt, the reporter -- who once previously attacked Rockbottum CC for wigs and mustache usage -- fled in an airport rental car.  

 

Ludell's comment two days later: "I was completely taken in--I missed all the signs... her skirt didn't fit, her purse didn't match her shoes and the mustache... I should have noticed the mustache."   

 

  

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