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Randy Wilson: Here at the 'Rock

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Randy and the gang at Rockbottum Country Club pontificate on Rockbottum wisdom and skeletal golf, among other madness.

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The Great Vegan Experiment

Here at the Rock, our long awaited VFCO (Vegan-Frootarian-Carnivorian-Omnivorsk) research findings are finally ready for publication. A little less than one year ago, our team of Rockbottum scientists set out to solve one of the most serious problems facing the modern GCS: What to eat? In any high-stress occupation, food plays an important role in long-term health, career adaptability and survival odds in the midst of an onslaught of Darwinian selection trials. Poor food choices plague th

April 12, 2012

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Do You Feel Cheated by the Masters TV Coverage?

I do. Televised golf is supposed to be 20 minutes per hour of election dysfunction commercials where folks sit in tubs and watch sunsets, 30 minutes of putting and putt stalking, two minutes of interviews with sponsor CEOs and the remaining 11 minutes devoted to at least two tear-jerking human interest stories. The Masters mind control experts have once more, ripped the tried and true programming strategy apart and forced us to watch more golf. I hate to complain, but in the last two days of

Guest

April 7, 2012

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Do You Feel Cheated by the Masters TV Coverage?

I do. Televised golf is supposed to be 20 minutes per hour of election dysfunction commercials where folks sit in tubs and watch sunsets, 30 minutes of putting and putt stalking, two minutes of interviews with sponsor CEOs and the remaining 11 minutes devoted to at least two tear-jerking human interest stories. The Masters mind control experts have once more, ripped the tried and true programming strategy apart and forced us to watch more golf. They claim theyre giving us four minutes o

April 7, 2012

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Post Masters Syndrome

How to diagnose, treat and possibly cure the most dangerous early season golf disorder. Diagnosis: The initial outbreak of Post Masters Syndrome typically begins within minutes of final round completion. First indications usually involve golfers of several levels–from muni to mid-level country club–verbalizing in pitiful, whiny voices, “Why can’t we do that?” Tests for azalea poisoning and overseed overdose will normally read very high on the scale; additionally, the golfer/member’s listenin

Guest

April 2, 2012

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Post Masters Syndrome

How to diagnose, treat and possibly cure the most dangerous early season golf disorder. Diagnosis: The initial outbreak of Post Masters Syndrome typically begins within minutes of final round completion. First indications usually involve golfers of several levelsfrom muni to mid-level country clubverbalizing in pitiful, whiny voices, Why cant we do that? Tests for azalea poisoning and overseed overdose will normally read very high on the scale; additionally, the golfer/members list

April 2, 2012

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What Do Golfers Want?

After decades of watching golfers, I think I know what normal golfers want: Affordable golf within a reasonable time limit, smooth greens, and wide fairways. They want a digestible sandwich at the turn, friendly folks behind the pro shop counter and a warning, prior to purchasing the green fee, that the course is littered with 97 big bunkers and the rough is at US Open height due to a green committee with a TV golf fixation. As to those “other” golfers, the abnormal, the spoiled, the pampered

Guest

March 26, 2012

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What Do Golfers Want?

After decades of watching golfers, I think I know what normal golfers want: Affordable golf within a reasonable time limit, smooth greens, and wide fairways. They want a digestible sandwich at the turn, friendly folks behind the pro shop counter and a warning, prior to purchasing the green fee, that the course is littered with 97 big bunkers and the rough is at US Open height due to a green committee with a TV golf fixation. As to those other golfers, the abnormal, the spoiled, the pam

March 26, 2012

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My Secret Golf Nickname (and how it came to be)

It’s Storytime at Rockbottum CC. During a recent session with Rockbottum Behavior Modification Therapist Dr. Ludell Hogwaller, I experienced a monumental breakthrough. Using his special donut-hypnosis, he uncovered a long buried childhood memory that finally revealed just how I acquired my secret golf nickname–and why I have an unnatural fear of fish, fishing and fishermen. It all began in ’63, when the US Army assigned Dad–or Cap’n Ahab as I called him–to teach ROTC and coach the rifle team

Guest

March 21, 2012

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My Secret Golf Nickname (and how it came to be)

Its Storytime at Rockbottum CC. During a recent session with Rockbottum Behavior Modification Therapist Dr. Ludell Hogwaller, I experienced a monumental breakthrough. Using his special donut-hypnosis, he uncovered a long buried childhood memory that finally revealed just how I acquired my secret golf nicknameand why I have an unnatural fear of fish, fishing and fishermen. It all began in 63, when the US Army assigned Dador Capn Ahab as I called himto teach ROTC and coach the rifle team

March 21, 2012

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Are You Ready For The Water Wars?

As one of the last of the Night Watermen, I have always had a special relationship with water and golf. In fact, to this day, I continue to think of myself as an “irrigation guy” forced by extreme circumstances to serve as a GCS. I get along well with water. I can’t swim in it, due to a genetic predisposition toward sinking, but it’s pretty much all I drink and it does amazingly well as medicine for stomach ailments, dehydration issues and Friday night mistakes. Turf likes water and interestingl

Guest

March 16, 2012

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Are You Ready For The Water Wars?

As one of the last of the Night Watermen, I have always had a special relationship with water and golf. In fact, to this day, I continue to think of myself as an irrigation guy forced by extreme circumstances to serve as a GCS. I get along well with water. I cant swim in it, due to a genetic predisposition toward sinking, but its pretty much all I drink and it does amazingly well as medicine for stomach ailments, dehydration issues and Friday night mistakes. Turf likes water and interestingly en

March 16, 2012

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Who Makes the Purchase Decisions?

An interesting topic popped up on the TurfNet Forum the other day, asking if club managers have more influence on purchasing decisions now than in past years. I gave it several seconds of deep thought and answered “Yes”, but only in my mind, primarily because I’m not intellectually equipped to debate TurfNetters with years of post-graduate work. (My post-grad work at Fort Bragg was limited to a short thesis entitled “Why You Shouldn’t Throw a Grenade up a Staircase”–the effects of the lab expe

Guest

March 12, 2012

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Who Makes the Purchase Decisions?

An interesting topic popped up on the TurfNet Forum the other day, asking if club managers have more influence on purchasing decisions now than in past years. I gave it several seconds of deep thought and answered Yes, but only in my mind, primarily because Im not intellectually equipped to debate TurfNetters with years of post-graduate work. (My post-grad work at Fort Bragg was limited to a short thesis entitled Why You Shouldnt Throw a Grenade up a Staircase -- the effects of the lab experim

March 12, 2012

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Golf and Radical Felinism

Rockbottum CC has never managed to get one of our golf course dogs into the TurfNet Superintendent’s Best Friend Calendar. It’s not like we haven’t tried hard, it’s just that the level of competition is so high. After all, this is the Big One, The Original, The First golf course dog centerfold calendar . . . it should be tough to be selected. We’ve tried everything–bribery and threats, pleading and whining–but nothing has worked. The photos we submitted were apparently intercepted by elemen

Guest

March 7, 2012

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Golf and Radical Felinism

Rockbottum CC has never managed to get one of our golf course dogs into the TurfNet Superintendents Best Friend Calendar. Its not like we havent tried hard, its just that the level of competition is so high. After all, this is the Big One, The Original, The First golf course dog centerfold calendar . . . it should be tough to be selected. Weve tried everything bribery and threats, pleading and whining but nothing has worked. This year, when we realized Bosco and Chopper had been turne

March 7, 2012

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Ball Washer Strategies: The Top 5

It’s almost time to crank big mowers, defibrillate the pump station and check the lawn furniture: The tee bench, the 150 yard barber pole, (the g-rated name) and that most essential of all golfer toys, the ball washer. The ball washer WILL function with smooth precision, whether it is the crank-wheel design that allows the operator to make engine starting noises–or the favorite among those of us with delayed maturity issues, the VPM or Vertical Plunger Model. The VPM, when operated vig

Guest

March 1, 2012

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Ball Washer Strategies: The Top 5

Its almost time to crank big mowers, defibrillate the pump station and check the lawn furniture: The tee bench, the 150 yard barber pole, (the g-rated name) and that most essential of all golfer toys, the ball washer. The ball washer must enter the season perfect and shiny. The ball washer WILL function with smooth precision, whether it is the crank-wheel design that allows the operator to make engine starting noisesor the favorite among those of us with delayed maturity issues, the V

March 1, 2012

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A New Truck for Rockbottum

Skeletal Golf is the driving force that separates Rockbottum CC from other golf courses. I designed and built Rockbottum in 99, according to the teachings of Skeletal Golf, a cult I founded immediately after I lost both of my posterior seating elements in the tech-crash bubble of that same year. Rockbottum was meant to be a low overhead, depression proof course -- because I could see another bubble on the horizon -- and the course is doing very well in these hard times. For those of you wh

February 23, 2012

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The Special Brain Filter

Inside the human brain are all sorts of thoughts and ideas yearning to get out through our unique ability to speak. Releasing all of these ideas can lead to ridicule, bruises, shame and death. Thats why humans, especially the humans that have performed well in the process of natural selection, possess a special filter in the brain that suppresses the release of impractical, soft-headed screwball outbursts. The unfortunate humans born without this special brain filter are subject to unendi

February 17, 2012

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Organic Pest Management

Here at the Rock, we like to think we are progressive, looking to the future and that future includes preparing to manage our golf course with less. Less water, less intensive maintenance, less overall input and more emphasis on coexisting with nature, rather than forcibly subduing the natural world; Rockbottum is not only applying the philosophy of rugged minimalism to golf, we are the trailing edge, the back of the pack. Ludella Hogwaller, although less well known than others in this

February 15, 2012

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Unnecessary Roughness

The Splintered-Interest Good Parent Syndrome is squeezing golf. In our modern world, there are so many things to do, so many activities like watching poker on TV, jumping concrete steps on a skateboard, World of Warcraft, Mixed Martial Arts, arguing on forums, and paralytic frozen immobility triggered by the increased gravitational field near any sofathat golf has lost some of the mystique and glitter that once held our game at the top of the mountain of obsessive pursuits. To further sp

February 14, 2012

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The Best Tee Markers

The best tee markers are... I dont know what they are. I thought I knew what they were, until I started reading a discussion on tee markers that unfolded at high speed on the TurfNet Forum. For years, I favored AITMs, (Angle Iron Tee Markers) short strips of 3 angle iron, due to their low cost and durability. They were easy to paint every year and it was possible to store plenty of replacement AITMs in the event an angry golfer wanted to test their float characteristics or simply see if w

February 11, 2012

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The Valley of Mystery

But there was evil afoot, as we had unknowingly stumbled upon a small kingdom that was under the spell of a powerful golf pro, who reigned from his Pro Castle on the highest peak of the kingdom. He was a pro of extraordinary power, dark and menacing

February 2, 2012

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Crew Management

Once upon a time, I got fired on Christmas Day. . . by a mean, grizzled old course owner who waited until I had performed three years worth of course upgrades and redesigns in one year, increased rounds played by 300% and tripled the stimpmeter reading from 2.5 to 7 feet... and then she fired me on Christmas Day, fully aware that my wife was nine months pregnant. But, hey, it turned out good. If that hadn't happened, the chain of events that led to my learning I was a crew management geniu

January 23, 2012

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Golf course "Archie Texture"

Norm, my biological father, (although he often denied it, due to my tendency to go from 5-under to 5-over in three holes and withdraw from junior tournaments at the turn) dragged me all over Europe and the US serving as his personal golf mule. I didnt know I was a caddie for years, because Dad was thrifty. According to Dad, mules worked for food and caddies got paid. I also served as a migrant golf worker, under the same financial arrangement, a sort of barter agreement, wherein I was allowe

January 15, 2012

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