Know These New Rules for 2023
Recently, Fester N. Boyle, our Club President, and our Head Pro Hugh Jass Bedendorfer, withdrew Rockbottum CC from USGA membership and joined the PGHA, or "Progressive Golf Handicap Association." The PGHA has designed friendlier, more progressive golf rules to help equitably grow the game, as opposed to the hidebound, stuffy old USGA/RAA rules. They have also included rules to help guide the Golf Course Superintendent toward a more inclusive and safe golf course environment.
Fester and Hugh are both wildly enthusiastic about new rules like the 650cc driver head allowance, a step to eradicate "Stagnant Technology." In order to speed up play, they have increased the number of clubs in the bag from 14 to 25, not including a stimpmeter. Also, a very popular new rule will prevent rules officials from penalizing golfers for cheating. They recognize that golfers are honorable and self-policing, so if the golfer records three successive eagles on the mandatory smartphone scorecard, then that is exactly what happened. After all, golfers are not competitive bass fishermen.
Golfers in 2023 will be allowed to play in any tournament flight, category or championship they identify with. Discrimination based on lack of skill, money, social standing or suspicious hormone tests is disallowed.
a male college golfer will be allowed, even encouraged, to play in the Ladies Club Championship.
For instance, a male college golfer will be allowed, even encouraged, to play in the Ladies Club Championship. Fester supports this new rule and feels it would help him win a golf tournament, a long held dream of his. "Besides," said Fester, "them women wanted equality, right?" This same rule applies to every crusty old geezer who would like to play in a junior tournament.
The PP rule allows redneck tour golfers to cuss and fling gooey globs of chewing tobacco at a rules official and later demand the official be fired because the cup placement was too difficult, like it was the US Open or something. (As I recall, it was a US Open and rules folks don't do setup.) This type of behavior blends the TV golf viewership with the more high energy TV 'rasslin market.
Rule 5.56 states: "A player may fire a gun during or prior to an opponent's swing, but may not actually shoot the opponent, unless it is clearly return fire."
Rule 6 is very clear about ball possession: "Golfers may play the ball no matter where they find it, without penalty. This includes fenced private lawns alongside the fairway." Note: Be advised, homeowners might respond to Rule 6 with boobytraps like new balls screwed to hidden tree roots, electrified fences and a Belgian Malinois named "Chopper" who likes to bite balls.
In a rule governing pro shops, clothing sales in non-flattering sizes is not allowed. For example, a golf belt measuring 60 inches should be labeled in feet, as in Size 5. Lower numbers in clothing are less hurtful. On the other hand, golf shots should be adjusted higher, as in distance. Say one misses a putt of 18 inches. If measured in centimeters, (18x2.54=45cm) it's much less painful and debilitating for the golfer to say "I missed a putt of 45cm" than to admit to yanking an 18 incher hard left." (Body parts should also be similarly measured.)
...a golf belt measuring 60 inches should be labeled in feet, as in Size 5. Lower numbers in clothing are less hurtful.
PGHA golfers are encouraged to play loud, objectionable music during golf, regardless of poor music quality, such as Country Rap or auto-tuned divas. Keep in mind that homeowners will counter loud golfer music with back porch PA systems formerly used by KISS or AC/DC. These systems are capable of reaching 140 db and making a golfer's ears bleed. One reactionary homeowner near Pinehurst is said to play Aztec Death Whistle until said golfers either skip the hole or die. An even more vicious homeowner plays Mozart at feedback levels.
Progressive Superintendent Rules
Under the PGHA's No Cart Path Only rule, the GCS may not issue anti-golf edicts like cart path only or frost delays — UNLESS the GCS can provide an alternative vehicle capable of traversing the golf course without incurring the supposed "turf damage" caused by golf carts. *Fact Checkers have determined golf cart turf damage to be conspiracy theory, as witnesses have seen golf personnel driving vehicles across greens during cart path only lockdowns.
ECO Rules: All golf maintenance equipment must be electric. Operators must wear fireproof suits... and comfortable shoes for the long walk back to the maintenance shop.
The GCS may only irrigate during the winter.
In order to adapt to the climate swerving from hot to cold, the GCS should maintain two playing surfaces at the same time. Since a famous golf announcer/turf expert discovered that UltraDwarf Bermuda can exist as far north as The Yukon, it is feasible that UD could be overseeded with perennial rye at 40lbs per sq.ft, thus offering a perfect playing surface year round, just like that course in East Georgia. Also, courses should install subterranean greens radiators to lessen the carbon footprint.
golf maintenance equipment must be electric. Operators must wear fireproof suits . . . and comfortable shoes for the long walk back to maintenance.
The GCS and staff will immediately cease using Tasers, Tear Gas and Potato Cannons on golfers who drive through ropes, new wet sod and bunkers. Fester and Hugh both support this rule, especially the revocation of Tater Cannons used below the waist.
The GCS will spray greens with whatever the ruling alphabets are recommending at the time, even if it has not been tested. If a neighboring GCS refuses to spray, he or she must be shamed into compliance by verbal punishment with phrases like, "If you don't spray this experimental stuff on your greens, then my application won't work!"
Bunkers will be raked by automatic systems similar to those used on cat litter boxes. Golfers should not be humiliated and forced to feel inadequate by being forced to rake with a hand tool like some kind of servant or worker.
The Rock Ridge Rule
When PGHA business analysts prognosticate that there are 40 million US golfers, golf industry personnel should back us up instead of ridiculing our work--regardless of the scientific criteria we used to come up with 40 million. Disco bar bowling alley driving range customers are golfers, too. So are video game golfers and people who played golf once, 30 years ago, and anybody who might play in the future. Failure to support our claims will find violators in non-compliance with the Rock Ridge Rule or as we call it, "The Mel Brooks overestimating the number of golfers in order to justify our phony-baloney jobs... rule."