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Our Most Important Film Ever

Randy Wilson


A few days ago, I slipped into a Mom and Pop coffee shop for a latte' and a blueberry scone.  (Ordinarily I'm not allowed to eat flour, but my handler was distracted by scented candles and Christmas lights.)

The place was packed, full of people jammed next to each other, mesmerized by smartphones, tablets, and laptops; not a single soul looked up and took notice of me.   I could have been Genghis Khan on a zebra and only the barista would have noticed.

Taking my coffee out onto the sidewalk, I observed people walking while staring at phones and drifting into traffic in a catatonic e-stupor.  I was immediately reminded of "Buddy Goes To e-Rehab", the most important film ever produced by Rockbottum.

That film was inspired by Nicholas Carr, the author of "What The Internet Is Doing To Our Brains".  Carr is a Harvardian who won a Wurlitzer Prize for quotes like, "the printed book focuses our attention, while the internet distracts us, rerouting our neural pathways."

Given our behavior over the last couple of years, humans have progressed from rerouted neural pathways to constipated pathways.

Soon, smartphones will be mandatory.

Soon, smartphones will be mandatory.  A few months back, Ludell reported for jury duty and was made to feel excluded when the clerk, Frau Panzer, barked at the group to simultaneously take out their phones and in unison, put them on silent mode.  Everyone complied except Ludell, sparking Frau Panzer to scream, in a Prussian accent, "Zis means everyone!"

Instinctive groupthink seized the sheep and they turned to glare at Ludell with hate in their eyes.  Ludell shrugged and said, "I ain't got a phone."

Frau Panzer's expression turned even darker as she stood face to face with Ludell and growled, "Everyone has a phone!  It's the law!  Now hand it over or I vil strip-search you!"

Now folks who know Ludell are painfully aware how proud he is of his 70 year old physique and it was no surprise when he was summarily ejected from jury duty for enthusiastically removing his garments.  The moral of our story?  You don't have to have a phone attached to you at all times . . . yet. 

Resist.  Check with the old timers, they survived for decades without an electronic choke collar.  


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