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Ludell's Three Things You Need To Know

Randy Wilson


*Note:  This week's guest columnist is Ludell Hogwaller.

c55fc1049a91d75a69f1828b4fbb0d8b-.pngThere are three things "they" are hiding from you, so I guess it's up to us Ludditians to fire a warning flare, since half our day isn't consumed with all that social media mutual admiration society fawning and gushing and smoke blowing.

First, there are dark rumors going around about veteran superintendents supposedly being terminated for making mistakes like having the audacity to disagree with the new wave of "M" board members... or maybe it's just for being older than 47.

. . . frog-marched us off his lawn because we weren't wearing all white.


Next, croquet is spreading.  Where I live, every big club is either building or expanding their croquet facilities.  I have been told, by a credible but unnamed source, that croquet is more popular at some clubs than golf.  Perhaps it's due to the aging of country club clientele or how long it takes to play a round of golf now, but whatever is behind it, I do know this:  We had all better study up on croquet if we don't want to get caught behind the wave.

There are rules to croquet that you need to know, especially if you want to avoid something embarrassing, like what happened to Buddy and me last week.  We were playing croquet -- you know, just checking it out -- and this angry official accosted us and frog-marched us off his lawn because we weren't wearing all white.  Apparently all white uniforms are important during croquet.


Well, we went out to the truck to change and came back wearing all white, in fact, the only white clothing we own, our Tighty-Whiteys.  This infuriated the aforementioned referee fellow and he threatened us with a mallet and that was when we learned that croquet keeps you in pretty good shape, because for a guy in his late 90s, he sure put up a good struggle.  It took both of us to hold him down and he refused to holler "Calf Rope" no matter how hard we twisted his good leg.

Item #3:  Denmark.  I'll bet you didn't know that golf courses in Denmark are not allowed to use pesticides.  Talk about Skeletal Golf... I read where a golfer from the US was playing a course in Copenhagen and saw a dandelion on the fairway and had to be airlifted to the nearest hospital.  I, for one, am thrilled at this development.  This could mean a move back toward rugged golf and away from the modern cupcake and lace doilies version of golf.

This could mean a move back toward rugged golf and away from the modern cupcake and lace doilies version of golf...

For those who think this trend will never make it to our shores, I would caution you to reconsider.  I would have never believed that we would one day be seeing guys wearing suits four sizes too small, with skinny pants that should be restricted by law to the female fashion world... and guys with their hair tied back in a bun that used to mean you were an octogenarian librarian and then there's that whole fake lumberjack look.  Flannel and beards with an Elvis cut and tight sidewalls -- I'm pretty sure all this came from Europe.

I'm just sayin'... we had all better look into this whole Euro-no-pesticides, millennial-fashion-and-croquet thing if we want to keep our jobs in a world that changes faster every day.  To prove I'm still current, I'll be wearing yoga pants in my next film, along with a greasy pompadour and a suit I found in the kid's department at Bloomingdale's.


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