Jump to content

Stop Making That Awful Coffee

Randy Wilson


As an unrepentant "Caffiend", I'm an expert on awful, terrible coffee.  From instant decaf that tasted like battery acid, to orderly room coffee* in the military, I have suffered it all.  *(ORC is brewed continuously for 24 hours, bubbling like a caldron in a Bill Shakespeare story.)

On a dark, snowy night while crossing over the Brenner Pass, I sampled espresso for the first and last time, a black, bitter, teeth-chattering experience.  In the field--during my Army vacation from turf--I toted a mixture of instant coffee and Ovaltine, along with an odd concoction called "Swiss Mocha".

A British spec ops soldier taught me to dose campfire coffee with cognac.  (Seemed reasonable, given my coffee consistently tasted like boiled possum feet.)

Then one day, I learned how to make the very best coffee; it became a special experience, not just a necessary ritual of injecting black muddy water into my pie hole for the purpose of increased alertness and productivity.

. . . those who insist on drinking dark machine swill.

Years later, I sought to spread the secret of the very best coffee.  I produced 'Break Room', a short film for TurfNetters, explaining how to stop making awful coffee.  Sadly, unbelievers remain among us, those who insist on drinking dark machine swill.

Even our beloved TurfNet Field Marshall recently confessed to procuring coffee from a blender, which indirectly led to his toolbox being split in half.  Bodell--Ludell's boy--foolishly converted to Keurigism before he regained his senses and tossed the thing out on the driving range.  (It helped that Bodell was raised right.)

So, here, just in time for Christmas gift lists, is an edited version of 'Break Room'. (I know, I know, you don't have time for such foolishness.)

But like Momma always says, "Great coffee is like exercise . . . if you don't have time for it, you're just too busy."



Recommended Comments

Nice throw! How many takes? I would like to weigh in on the coffee and say 205 for temperature and I like to add just an inch of water, stir wait a minute for more caffeine kick. Then add the rest of the water and wait 5 minutes before pressing for lets just say added flavor. I also, think that 3 tablespoons is a bit heavy handed. Just sayin.

Link to comment

Listen Dr. Brown,

I'm trying to get folks off of machines by using simplicity and you make it all complex and stuff . . . that's why we don't trust scientists in the first place.


And only two takes on the friz-b. According to the Outlier theory, if you do something for 10,000 hrs, you become great, so I figure I'm nearing 200,000 hrs of disc flinging, but I still won't play that game with the steel baskets.

Link to comment


I had forgotten about that period of adjustment to things that resulted in Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast and . . .


Thanks for watching.

Link to comment

Never found a taste for coffee. Not even the ice cream or the, dare I say it eclipse coffee syrup. Being from Rhode Island that is akin to an Irishman not drinking Guinness. Speaking of beer when I do partake I do enjoy a nice coffee porter so there is that. Have any sage wisdom for tea drinkers?


Link to comment


I like tea, especially the Chamomile just before bedtime, which seems to be getting earlier and earlier.


I would never slag tea drinkers, especially after working with some of those Brit spec ops types, who would calmly "brew up" tea in a hailstorm or worse.


My advice would be to never drink the "sweet tea" offered in restaurants down here, unless you enjoy a diabetic coma. It never used to be so sugar soaked, at least until them sody pops showed up with 8 tbsp of sugar per 12 oz of coal tar and destroyed everybody's taste buds.

Link to comment
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...